One of the ironic truths about narcissistic marriages is that it can take a long time for a spouse to recognize they are being subjected to narcissistic abuse. The tools the narcissist uses to manipulate and control are often effective for a considerable time. Understanding the trauma bond in narcissistic relationships is key to moving on and making a better future for yourself.
Why People Tolerate Narcissistic Abuse
According to Psychology Today, a trauma bond is a powerful attachment to an abuser. A person who is trauma-bonded may not recognize they are being mistreated. Sometimes, they may feel they have caused the abuser’s anger and deserve their mistreatment.
Narcissists often use shame, gaslighting, manipulation, and other techniques to exert control. Yet they also can be intermittently charming and affectionate. The intermittent positive reinforcement is enough to cause confusion or even dependence in their partners and keep the partner tolerating the abuse.
If this sounds familiar, you might be trauma-bonded to your spouse. Even if only some of the behaviors ring true, it would be wise to talk with a mental health professional about your relationship.
Some People Are More Susceptible to Narcissists
Everyone can experience narcissistic abuse in a marriage. Narcissists are skilled at manipulating people, and it is easy to dismiss the signs when you are being loved-bombed at all the right moments. Many people are with a narcissist for years before they recognize the abuse for what it is.
Some people are more susceptible to narcissistic abuse than others. Having a narcissistic, absent, or abusive parent can set you up to trauma bond with a narcissistic partner. People who suffer from depression, PTSD, addiction, or have other mental health challenges may also be more easily misled by a narcissist.
Even the most intelligent, independent, and skilled people can experience trauma bonding, and it often takes a long time to realize it. The critical point is to act on the realization when it comes. The sooner you can extricate yourself from a narcissistic relationship, the sooner you can rebuild your self-image and be ready for healthy, mutually nourishing, and respectful relationships.
Breaking the Trauma Bond
It is usually impossible to transform a relationship based on a trauma bond into a healthy relationship. Ending the marriage and having as little subsequent contact with the narcissist as possible is often the best strategy.
Depending on your circumstances, you may need time to prepare. Narcissists rarely make divorce easy, and you should ensure you have sufficient financial resources and a strong personal support system before you initiate legal proceedings.
Find a therapist you trust and work closely with them to develop the skills needed to end the relationship. It is also wise to contact a divorce attorney who is skilled at litigating high-conflict divorces as soon as you begin to seriously consider leaving the narcissist. They can ensure you know what to expect and help you prepare to leave your marriage and meet your divorce goals.
Contact a Skilled Divorce Attorney When Escaping Narcissistic Abuse
A divorce attorney is not a psychologist. You need professional therapy to gain the skills to recognize narcissistic abuse and break the trauma bond.
However, an experienced family law attorney can help you set reasonable expectations, guide you through the legal process, and use their legal skills to help you meet your goals. They can be a valuable ally. Get in touch today.
