The “Hoovering” Tactic: When a Narcissist Tries To Pull You Back In

Narcissistic Spouses Divorce Tips For Divorce

Man sitting on bench grabbing woman's arm as she tries to walk away

Jun 12, 2025 | Content

Narcissists need to dominate and be in control. A divorce can challenge their sense of dominance, whether you initiated the split or they did.

Hoovering is a tactic that narcissists use to regain dominance by trying to suck you back into their control. If you are currently divorcing or were recently divorced from a narcissist, here is what to do when your ex tries to pull you back under their influence. You can also contact an attorney from our team if you need further help.

What Hoovering Looks Like

Hoovering can take many forms. Your ex will use whatever means they have available to regain control.

That might mean commenting on your social media, sending late-night texts “just to check in,” or “coincidentally” running into you while you are going about your day. Your ex might send you a gift or a box of your belongings to elicit a response. They might task mutual friends or even your children with asking you to contact them.

Keep track of all your ex’s attempts to make you part of their life again. If they use your children to manipulate you or if their conduct makes you feel unsafe, contact your divorce attorney to discuss your next steps.

The Best Responses to Your Ex

The best and most effective way to combat hoovering is to ignore your ex. Do not respond to texts, voicemails, emails, or social media outreach. If your ex appears in person suddenly, make your excuses and get away as soon as possible.

When you share young children, it is impossible to ignore your ex entirely, but do what you can. Use an app that allows you to share calendars and update information the other parent needs to know without requiring direct communication. Try to transfer children at public places.

The essential thing is to set and maintain firm boundaries. Do not allow the narcissist to regain a presence in your life. If you falter and allow your ex to violate the rules you have established for communication and contact, reassert your strong boundaries as quickly as you can.

Lean on Your Support System

Being married to a narcissist can wear you down and devastate your self-esteem. The constant gaslighting can make you question your experience of reality. You need a robust network of trusted individuals to support you during and after the divorce.

Narcissists have a way of winning over the people who do not have to live with them, so be discerning. Even people such as your parents and siblings might take the narcissist’s side. If you are not sure that a person supports the conclusion of your relationship with the narcissist, it is best not to risk confiding in them.

A therapist can be a tremendous help. They can help you step back from the chaos, gain insight into what is happening, and create a framework for moving forward toward freedom and happiness. Your divorce lawyer is also a dependable advocate who can discuss the best response when the narcissist wreaks havoc.

Protect Yourself Against Hoovering When Divorcing a Narcissist

Deciding to end your marriage to a narcissist can throw them off balance, and hoovering is how they try to reestablish control. You must resist these attempts so that you can preserve your peace of mind and well-being.

Always inform your divorce attorney that your ex is hoovering. Reach out so we can help you decide whether legal action may be necessary.

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The “Hoovering” Tactic: When a Narcissist Tries To Pull You Back In

What Hoovering Looks Like

The Best Responses to Your Ex

Lean on Your Support System

Protect Yourself Against Hoovering When Divorcing a Narcissist

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