Episode 42: Unplug The Programming

s Sara 00:00

Empowered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sarah khaki and Shawna woods from Atlanta divorce law group. And this is the happily ever after divorce podcast. Welcome to another episode of The happily ever after divorce Podcast.

I’m attorney Sarah khaki with Atlanta divorce law group, and I’m joined by our very own Managing Partner, Shawna woods. Shawna today we’re going to talk about the abuse that carries on, even after the abuser in the relationship is out of the picture. So to be more specific, there are times we meet with clients who are in a emotionally abusive relationship if it hasn’t reached the point of physical abuse, but let’s stick to emotional where their partner or spouse is inflicting emotional abuse on them, and this partner spouse could be narcissist or have another personality disorder, and even when we’re helping our client through the divorce, or sometimes even after the divorce, and this person’s out of their life, the abuse that was inflicted, carries on in the clients mind in their heart, and it stays with them unless they’re able to heal through it. Can you kind of talk through the scenario?

s Shawna 01:30

Absolutely. A lot of times when people have suffered this type of abuse, when they come to talk to us, they’re talking as if they are having to convince you of what their own reality is yes, because when they have lived in an emotionally and mentally abusive household, a lot of times their reality is stripped away from them. They are told that is not what is going on. Here is what is going on. And they are forced to live in the reality of their abuser and have to fight for their own feelings and fight for their own thoughts. And there have been times when people will come to me with tape recordings and say no, no, listen, this is what’s really going on. And I, it’s not that I don’t want to listen, but I’d say I believe you Yes, you don’t have to prove to me what your reality is and what you’re living in your reality when this person is gaslighting you and saying, No, I didn’t just whatever they just did. You’re seeing that or you’re only feeling that so they start not only second guessing themselves, but their entire world around them. Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Am I actually seeing these things, and that can carry on for years without the proper therapy.

s Sara 03:00

So typically, when we see our clients who meet us at the onset of their divorce, one of the things I warn them against is the this, say for instance, in the case of a narcissist, he or she planted a seed in your head, seed of self doubt seed of You’re not worth anything, see of you can’t make it without me. And you’ll fall apart. If I’m not here to, you know, pick the pieces back together for you. And he or she does not need to be around you every day to say these words to you for those words, to not impact your decisions and how you move forward with your life.

And we talked about this in our earlier episode about not trusting the voices in your head. And one of the biggest voices that comes up is if somebody has been a victim of emotional abuse, and their abuser has planted a very loud megaphone inside of their head about who you are, what your worth is, and that you’re really nothing without me. And the moment you try to get away from me, you’ll fall apart. And even when they’re not around and they’re gone, the programming continues to run. So they don’t even have to do anything anymore. The programming is still running the show.

s Shawna 04:17

And when you break down, let’s talk about the abuser for a second. This can be either very intentional, very calculated or they’re not even aware of what they’re doing. The abusers need is to have somebody completely dependent on them that they can control and they often have to put down and say no one else will want you you’re not good. You see you’re all relying on me to feed their own need, to feed their own ego. And they typically will pick someone as a partner who may be susceptible to that to begin with. Either they’ve been in a prior abusive relationship, or just from their nurturing where they grabbed their hand household. So, taking a step back, if we’re able to take a step back and say, looking at it from that’s what their need is, and they’re creating this reality around their own need. Breaking away from that is acknowledging your needs in a relationship.

s Sara 05:21

It’s really unplugging. Yes, I actually do call it unplugging the program is a programming that they plugged into you unplug it on, hook it. What’s also so fascinating, in a lot of the narcissist cases that we see is if the narcissist has health issues, or substance problems they make their spouse that they’re abusing responsible for their well being yes, they take no responsibility for their own substance problem, they take no responsibility for their own health condition. But now, not only are you worthless, but if something happens to me, it is on you. And this makes it very difficult to even after the fact, when you’re done, the relationship is done. The marriage is done, it’s time to unplug and unhook the programming because somehow this person made you feel responsible for their life and their well being.

s Shawna 06:22

And the most ultimate that is sometimes what we see is the threat of suicide. Yes, if you leave me I will kill myself. And it it’s an extraordinarily manipulative, it’s so selfish, so selfish, and trying to unplug when you honestly have cared about this person, you have true love at some trying to unplug when you honestly have cared about this person, you have true love at some point for this person, and then then trying to make you are responsible for their emotions and their well being is one of the key components to that type of abuse. Because why else would you take that abuse? If it wasn’t because you’re needing to take care of them or need to supply whatever their need is? You know, it is that is a duality of them, making you codependent upon them, and then treating you in a way that destroys your own self.

s Sara 07:14

You know, we had a client that had a narcissist, husband, and he had a alcohol problem, and to the point where he would drive around blacking out. And for many, she stayed in that marriage for 20 years, believing that she could be the one to keep them together, make him stay alive.

And he would always say when you leave me I will probably die. And when I had a conversation with her, I said no, I was like he may, he may actually die. But that is his choice. And that’s the heartbreaking piece of this is so important to heal past this false sense of responsibility, you are feeling for another adult, which makes no sense. An adult cannot be responsible for an another adult, right? You can be have certain responsibilities to them as a spouse, you can have certain responsibilities in a partnership to each other, but you cannot actually be responsible for another adults decisions to consistently behave in a harmful way towards themselves. And it is very real, that this person may actually end up making life decisions that will put them in a Hard Place, a harmful place, and they will end up dying or being you know, incredibly disabled. And if you don’t work past this programming, you may actually spend the rest of your life thinking you have part of that, which is not reality at all.

s Shawna 08:55

It’s not. And I think there’s a really good question to ask yourself, do they desire healed? Or do they value you? Because those aren’t the same thing else. You can desire to have someone take care of you, right? You can desire, not someone love you. But if you value a person, you’re not engaging in this abuse. And you have to ask the person if this is resonating with you, as it does many of our clients and just sometimes just people in general out there. If this person is abusing you, turn around think, am I being valued? And can you stay in a relationship where you do not have a value?

s Sara 09:38

I think when you see that, am I being valued and that sort of takes the blindfold off. And that’s what we hear very commonly when it’s almost like something happens and the blindfold comes off completely gets lifted, gets lifted. You can’t unsee this person for what they are anymore. And then you all All sudden realize, whoa, what where have I been? What have I enabled. And that’s a very empowering moment if you choose to grab the power from that blindfold coming off.

s Shawna 10:13

And there’s often times if there was a person that I know personally, who had gone through a really emotionally abusive relationship, and they look back now and say, I don’t recognize that person that I was, because you’re not being yourself, you’re being whatever it is, this abuser person that I was, because you’re not being yourself, you’re being whatever it is, this abuser needs you to be playing a role for the abuse, they’re playing a role for the abuser. So one of the
things we talk about in some of the sessions is when an abuser will say, no one else will want you. But me change that around a little bit. No one else will want what I’m doing to you. no one else wants this version. Right? And I’m not saying you’re not worthy. This version of you, is what they have created, right? That’s not you.

s Sara 11:10

That is so powerful. The role that the abuser has put you in, nobody else will want you in that role. And you don’t want they know you don’t want you in that role. That’s I love that, Shawna and that is so powerful. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening to the happily ever after divorce podcast. If you’d like to learn more, go to Atlantadivorcelawgroup.com forward slash resources