Episode: 123 The Marriage Exit Interview: 10 Questions for Self-Reflection After Divorce

s Sara Khaki

Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. I’m Sara Khaki, and this is our managing partner, Shawna Woods. Today, Shawna, we’re going to do our fun “Top 10” exercise. The topic today is: what are the top 10 questions you might want to ask your ex-spouse as an exit interview after a marriage ends?

I want to preface this with a few things. This is a very self-reflective process. It’s not meant to create more animosity or a breakdown of communication. Both people really have to be in a healed place emotionally to have the capacity to have this conversation.

We’re thinking about an exit interview the same way organizations do when a team member leaves a company. They might ask questions like: How did you experience our leadership? How did you experience our culture? Did we foster your growth? Did we uphold our core values? The point of that conversation is to give someone space to openly and honestly share their experience, while the other side simply listens rather than defends.

That takes a lot of maturity and awareness when applied to a relationship that is no longer romantic.

s Shawna Woods

Right, and emotionally charged.

s Sara Khaki

And a lot of times very emotionally charged. This exercise may not work for everyone. There are really two parts to this. One person has to genuinely want honest self-reflection and growth. But you’re also placing vulnerability in the hands of someone else. You have to trust that they won’t take advantage of that vulnerability or say things simply meant to hurt, rather than things that are honest and helpful.

s Shawna Woods

Or not even meant to be mean, but coming from an insecure or not healed place themselves.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. Where they’re not taking responsibility for their own role and may simply put everything on you. So you really have to gauge both your own readiness to listen and the other person’s capacity to respond in a kind and thoughtful way rather than a hurtful one.

But I will say that if this is possible for a couple, it can be incredibly powerful. There is a quote my mindset coach David Nagel always uses. I forget the exact source, but it goes something like this: the extent to which you can take a look at yourself and not run away from the truth is the extent to which you can have personal growth.

This is one of those moments where you can have a lot of personal growth if you’re able to sit down, listen, and not run away from the truth of who you are.

So to play this game, you’re going to give me one question, I’m going to give you one. I don’t know what your questions are going to be, and I’ll give five as well. I’m interested to see if we have any overlap.

s Shawna Woods

I’m sure we will have some overlap. And I love the way you said that about David Nagel. For me, it reminds me of The NeverEnding Story, when the knight goes up against the truth-telling mirror or the truth passageway. It’s like: are you going to be able to face yourself, or are you going to shatter?

And I think it’s really important—even if you shatter—to continue to face yourself.

So my first one is: what did you abandon in yourself in this relationship that you found again?

s Sara Khaki

What did you abandon in yourself in this relationship that you found again? Wow. So are we thinking you found it again after leaving the relationship? Because it’s true—compromise is part of any partnership.

s Shawna Woods

Yes, after leaving the relationship. The compromise is leaving something behind to be part of something else. It doesn’t have to be a hurtful realization, but it can be a growth moment.

s Sara Khaki

Absolutely. I love that one so much. In any relationship there is give and take. When you’re part of a partnership, the things you give up are ideally balanced by something of greater value that you gain—whether that’s personal growth or achieving something together as partners.

But sometimes people realize that the thing they gave up about themselves never resulted in something of higher value through the partnership.

s Shawna Woods

Or it’s something they simply miss.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. A side of themselves that they miss.

My first question would be: what were your needs from me that went unmet?

When listening to the answer, you have to remember that every person is responsible for expressing their needs. But the reflection question for yourself becomes: am I the kind of partner who creates space and safety for someone to express those needs openly and honestly?

Or do my patterns meet those needs with judgment, annoyance, ignorance, or dismissal?

A lot of people will find that their partner actually was expressing their needs—they just weren’t hearing it.

s Shawna Woods

I agree with that. Even in everyday communication. When you ask someone to tell you if something becomes too much or too hard, they may say, “I did tell you it was hard.” They just didn’t say it in the words you expected to hear.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. Shawna and I even have a phrase we use when something is urgent—we say “my hair’s on fire.” But we’ve learned that other people use completely different language for that urgency.

s Shawna Woods

And sometimes language that to us might sound like everything is fine.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. Communication is so key.

What’s your next one?

s Shawna Woods

What does a healthy relationship look like for you now?

s Sara Khaki

Wow. That’s a powerful one—because it shows what someone gained from the experience.

s Shawna Woods

Exactly. You might have thought you had a healthy relationship at the start, but hearing what healthy looks like to them now can show how both of you have grown. And sometimes it reveals that you were on very different paths.

s Sara Khaki

I love that. It reminds me of an old episode we did called “Are You the Toxic One?” because we all have traits that can become toxic under certain circumstances. Asking this question might reveal where you contributed to that dynamic.

If we walk through life thinking we’re incapable of any darkness or unhealthy behavior, we’re probably walking around blind to ourselves.

s Shawna Woods

What’s your next one?

s Sara Khaki

When did you feel most alone in our marriage?

You could also change that wording depending on your partner—maybe “when did you feel most abandoned,” or “when did you feel most unvalued.”

From our experience with clients, women often resonate with the idea of emotional abandonment, while men may resonate more with feeling undervalued or unappreciated.

s Shawna Woods

That’s such an important distinction. The words matter because people interpret them differently.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. It goes back to core wounds. Often the masculine asks: am I valued? Am I respected? While the feminine may ask: am I connected? Am I emotionally safe?

Speaking to those different needs can get you closer to the truth.

s Shawna Woods

My next one builds on that. What is a core value of mine that you hope I keep?

s Sara Khaki

I love that question. It brings something positive into the conversation. It reminds you that there’s still good in you. This doesn’t have to turn into a conversation that only focuses on what went wrong.

s Shawna Woods

Exactly. Even when relationships end, there’s usually something about that person that made you choose them in the first place.

s Sara Khaki

My next one is similar. When did you feel happiest in our marriage?

You could also ask: when did you feel safest, most secure, or most connected? It reminds you that there were good moments too, and that those parts of you still exist.

s Shawna Woods

My next one is for couples who have children. How do we want to present our relationship to the children?

Not how the relationship actually was, but how we want to present it moving forward as a unified front.

s Sara Khaki

That’s such an important conversation. Even if you don’t do an exit interview, parents should be talking about this.

My next question is one that really hits me emotionally: were there things you stopped trying to tell me?

Because that often means someone tried again and again to communicate their pain or needs, and eventually gave up.

s Shawna Woods

And that’s heartbreaking, but also incredibly important to understand if you want to grow.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. If someone gave up hope that they were being heard, that’s something worth reflecting on so you don’t repeat that pattern in the future.

s Shawna Woods

My next one might be a little bold: if you could design the perfect partner for me, what would they look like?

s Sara Khaki

I love that. Because someone who has truly known you may actually have insight into what you need, not just what you think you want.

s Shawna Woods

Exactly.

s Sara Khaki

My final one is this: what is the story or narrative you have internalized about our marriage and divorce that you will carry forward and tell others?

Because the story we tell ourselves becomes our reality.

s Shawna Woods

That’s huge.

s Sara Khaki

And if two people who shared the same relationship walk away with completely different stories, that can be incredibly revealing.

s Shawna Woods

I love the idea of having this conversation a few years after a divorce, when emotions have settled and both people can see things more clearly.

s Sara Khaki

Exactly. But here’s the good news—couples who are still together don’t have to wait for divorce to ask these questions. These conversations can bring awareness into a relationship long before it reaches that point.

s Shawna Woods

Absolutely.

s Sara Khaki

Thank you.

s Shawna Woods

Thank you.