sSara (00:01)

Empowered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sara Khaki and Shawna Woods from Atlanta Divorce Law Group. And this is the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. I’m Sara Khaki with Atlanta Divorce Law Group and I’m joined by our very own manager and partner Shawna Woods. Shawna, today’s episode comes from a real life experience I had with my aunt and my father, Hannah. They’re all great. Those are the best ones. Those are the ah-ha briefs.

So one thing I had noticed on Hannah Ligley that left me without any advice for her right now, which is listen to hers. She would have these fights with her brother or argument with myself and my husband, Shann. Something would happen at school and she would just start crying and say that, you don’t understand. You don’t understand. Or you guys don’t understand. Or nobody understands me. Or…

I said, this is nobody understands me. So it was always this whole thing. Was like, me and my child is like having a problem with understanding. She’s feeling misunderstood. And I took it so personal as a parent that what have I done or failed that, that my child feels so misunderstood. And then of course, was like, you it was what we do. And it’s like, you and I working in the field we do, you’re immediately thinking,

sShawna (01:26)

Assistance what we

sSara (01:33)

I was just going to show up as an adult for her. And what am I doing to fail? Do I need to put a therapy fund together for her? But I had a moment one day when I realized that she was, you know, not being, you couldn’t even understand her words because she was crying so hard and screaming and crying at the same time. And I couldn’t understand what she was saying. And then when I was trying to consult her again, the whole word of nobody understands came through and I was like, well, duh, nobody understands you because

You’re crying and screaming and your words aren’t even clear through those tears and the loudness. So of course we can’t understand you. So then I kind of drew a map for her and I was like, Hannah, here is what’s going on. You get your feelings hurt and then you go immediately to nobody understands me. In between feelings hurt and nobody understands me, there is a pit stop.

And that pit stop is called working towards being understood. You have to make yourself understood before you can ask for understanding. And you’re missing that point. And if you’re at that point where you’re saying, nobody understands me, ask yourself, did I make that pit stop after I got hurt? My feelings got hurt? Where I tried to be understood? Did I find my words?

That I seek out to my audience and express my words to them and make myself clear, then you have a right to say, I’m understood or I’m not understood. She was missing this foundational piece. And it, as her parent, it took me a while to even realize it. And then I’m like, man, I bet this shows up for a lot of adults where they walk around feeling misunderstood, walking around feeling like nobody understands them.

And I have to wonder, do they ever put in the work to first be understood?

sShawna (03:36)

I think that is an excellent way to lay forth. How do we be understood and how do we understand others? And of course, with Hannah at her age, I think all of us who have girls or even big girls, we felt that eight year old. You just don’t get it. You just don’t understand. And it is that pivotal moment is did you articulate? Did you speak your words to

Convey to the other person what you’re trying to communicate to them. I think the hard part for children, in adults too, is first trying to communicate to yourself what you’re hurt about. You’re hurt, the other person is not giving you the emotional response or giving you the reaction that you want. It’s not enough for you. You don’t understand me because you’re not giving me what I need.

sSara (04:18)

Of STEM.

And I think this is where we paint ourselves down completely useless rabbit holes because you know you’re hurt. What you’re seeking from somebody else is probably what you first aren’t receiving from yourself and that’s causing more pain. And that’s the understanding piece because you haven’t yet been able to articulate to yourself what’s bothering me, what’s hurting me. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. And instead of

Taking that moment inward, you’re projecting outward. You don’t understand, you don’t get it. Well, no, because you haven’t been able to articulate what’s going on.

sShawna (05:14)

Yes. And it is that first, and I do suggest when you are, you’ve got a deep hurt, is sitting down, doing some meditation, writing it out, why am I hurt? Right? Once you figure out why you’re hurt, who do I need to communicate this to? Who’s my audience? And how do I communicate it to them? Right. Am I going to lay down in the middle of the street and throw a fit? Probably not at my age, we hope.

sSara (05:33)

This is my office.

Don’t lose your audience.

Now

You’ll lose your argument. Or making it about something completely different that isn’t the real issue.

sShawna (05:45)

You will lose my audience at that point.

Changing the narrative. Which really does just become a cycle of very disturbing arguments or fights at that point. Because now the original her, what was, it may have been a very legitimate concern that you have to bring up with this person. That legitimate her is gone by the wayside because of the reaction that you’ve chosen how you express that now becomes the focus.

sSara (06:18)

And yeah, you created so much noise with something, another narrative that you created just to feel justified in feeling hurt. Because I think, again, functioning adults, when we’re sad or upset or angry or resentful, think most of us want to understand it in order to not feel crazy. Because otherwise you just feel crazy. Like, why do I feel this way?

Until you understand it yourself, you are susceptible to finding any narrative to attach to that feeling to understand it. And that narrative may involve your loved ones, your partner, your family members, and then you’re attacking them and do that story or enrolling them in it. And that’s how you can possibly lose your most valuable audience that can actually help you through that dark place.

sShawna (07:15)

Absolutely. You also have to ask yourself, why am I communicating this? And if it is to elicit a certain response, kind of walk yourself through. If I don’t get that response, if it’s a different response, how am I going to feel in that situation? Because some of these things that we talk about when talking about we were heard, they can be very big things that maybe have been festering for a while. And asking that question,

What is the need for me to communicate if it’s to work through the issue here in a partnership, right? We need to work through this issue, right? How do I effectively communicate this issue? And don’t make it all about my emotions, but about this is what happened and this is how I’m feeling and this is what I’d like to do in the future and letting them engage in that conversation because to be truly understood, you have to allow that other person

To express how they saw the situation as well.

sSara (08:15)

Yes, it’s a two way street. They have to be able to have the right to express as well. What I’ve done is in the past, I would get heard about something and not understand it, not know where it’s coming from. So I couldn’t give myself compassion because I really, I mean, I’ve learned this from Alison Armstrong. Understanding is what brings compassion. You can’t have compassion for something you don’t understand. So when you don’t understand your own emotions, you don’t

Compassion for yourself and you can have a tendency to judge your feelings and judge and it makes it even worse and that’s when you start lashing out on people you love and alienating them and losing your audience. So for me and my partnership and my marriage, I have a high need for understanding and compassion in return from my spouse, but I’ve now understood that I have to first count up for myself in order to ask for it.

So if I’m in a place where something bothers me and I don’t understand it yet, my pattern would want me to squash it real quick. Cause my pattern would tell me like, what’s wrong with you? Get a hold of yourself. Like you don’t have time for this, move on. That’s only gonna last so long before what you just described happens, where it becomes something pent up, right? And then it pops up somewhere else and then you’re really confused. So I give myself a time out. And now I’ll have to warn you if you’re gonna practice this.

You have to let your spouse or your partner know you’re giving yourself a timeout because otherwise you’re going quiet, you’re going silent and they’re thinking that they’ve done something wrong. And they think you’re giving them a silent treatment or they think you’re disconnecting from them and that’s hurtful towards them. And then you created a cycle. But I’m very upfront about my case. Something’s bothering me. I can’t, I don’t know what it is yet, but until I’m able to articulate it, I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to cause.

Complete rabbit hole problems that aren’t there or build a narrative just to understand this when it’s right now in the dark. And thankfully, Sham and I worked on our marriage long enough that his first question is, okay, do you want my help with that? And sometimes I’m available for that. Sometimes my response is, no, I feel pretty thorny. Like, I’m afraid that if we open this up, thorns are gonna be flying out of me. So no, not yet.

But once I’ve given myself that, that gives me space. That gives me freedom and space and gives him freedom from having to worry about, did I do something? And him attaching narratives that aren’t there. And then when I’m ready, I can go in and fight to be understood so I can receive understanding and then get compassion from there. And then I can give myself compassion to the process.

sShawna (11:04)

And you can teach it to Hannah.

sSara (11:05)

And then I can teach it to Hannah. I gotta tell you guys, it’s working. So far, it’s getting her out of the meltdown mode to, okay, Hannah, let’s work together to find the words to fight to be understood. All right, thank you so much, Yama. Thanks for listening to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. If you’d to learn more, go to atlantadivorcelawgroup.com/resources.

sShawna (11:21)

Thank you.