sSara 00:05

Powered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sara Khaki and Shawna Woods from Atlanta Divorce Law Group. And this is the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. I am Sara Khaki with the Atlanta Divorce Law Group and I’m joined by our managing partner, Shawna Woods. Today we will talk about the concept of receiving. A lot to receive in that one word. Shawna, do you want to kick us off?

sShawna 00:35

Yes, and I think we really came about this idea of receiving is how do we receive certain things like compliments, right? How do we receive sympathy? How do we receive kindness? How do we receive honesty? And both of us have kind of talked about some uncomfortableness, right? With each one of these things. And for me,

How it came up in our discussion was I had a loss in my family recently and I have a really hard time having people say to me, I’m sorry for your loss because I don’t know what to say in return. Right. Right. I feel to me, I felt, now I need to comfort this person who’s trying to comfort me and it gets into this weird dance that you’re doing and or you just kind of nod and thank you and move on.

And I know that in the greater scheme of things, when people are, we’ll just take the grief for once, people are sharing in your grief and letting you know that they understand that you’re grieving and they want you to know that they care about that, which is really a beautiful thing to do, right? As a community, as we even, know, not strangers necessarily, but acquaintances, it’s nice to acknowledge when something like that happens.

So why does that make us so uncomfortable or why does it make me so uncomfortable and I’m sure other people as well?

sSara 02:04

I mean, I think we all have something we have trouble receiving. Generally, I find that receiving is difficult. It takes learning. I don’t think we’re all fully comfortable learning how to receive or even receiving without wanting to give 10 times back somehow. Again, I think this is…

A lot of, not nature, but nurture. Think a lot of it comes from nurture. We learn this probably from our parents. And I mean, I know I grew up in a household and probably again, going back to my Persian culture of self-sacrifice is there’s an equation to receiving. Really, like if you give me 25, I owe you back 75 in my head. You may completely give it without.

Any expectation about anything back, but you do an act of service for me. First thing I’m thinking is like, okay, how do I, how do I make up for this? How do I equalize this? And I don’t think that at all is proper receiving. Proper receiving is more about letting the person give the gift of giving, letting them have the gift of giving and giving them the gift of receiving. And I learned this from Alison Armstrong.

That’s a woman I mentioned a lot. Has amazing material and is a thought leader on partnership. But she says a lot of people have trouble with receiving to answer your question because they think it’s a very, it’s a state of inaction. And people like you and I, Shawna, who like to do things, who like to get involved, who like to be like in the heat of the moment, solve problems, fix things, grow, build, a state of inaction is hard. It’s uncomfortable.

sShawna 03:52

It’s time.

sSara 03:54

So we have this false sense about receiving, believing it’s a state of inaction where you just stand still and somebody gives you the sympathy. You just stand still and somebody gives you the compliment, or you just have to stand still and somebody pulls out the chair for you and gives it to you. But she says, actually, it has a lot of action in it. If you think about what you have to process and do in order to properly receive, you have to

Be in a state of calm. You have to be in a state of understanding what it is they’re trying to give you. And then you have to act upon the internal instinctual subconscious that’s going on inside of you to properly receive. Like for instance, if somebody’s saying to you something like, Sean, I’m really sorry for your loss. If you were to properly, fully receive that, there could be action where you say, thank you.

Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for taking a moment and wanting to share your thoughts with me. That’s not just standing there and being in a state of action. That actually takes thinking. That takes proper processing. That takes letting choice come over instincts. Instincts being, don’t feel sorry for me and please move along. That’s what instincts wanting to do, right?

As internal action can process that differently, choice can process that differently. Empowerment can process that differently to say, this is somebody who in their wants to give me something and this they want to give me love, peace, acknowledgement, connection. And I can act on that and receive it.

In a way that I’ve given them the gift of receiving. The best example that Alison gives on this is when somebody pulls a chair out for you. Think about when somebody pulls a chair out for you, how much action it takes for you to properly receive that so that you move up, let them move to the perfect spot so they can move the chair out back. And then when they’re pulling the chair back in for you, you are positioning your butt perfectly so like you’re receiving the the seating, right? It’s a lot of action. When

I thought of it that way. It completely flipped the script for me because I always thought of receiving as I just have to stand here and not act and not do anything and receive something somebody wants to give to me. Whoa, this is really uncomfortable. And then what am I going to owe them and return? And that’s really, uncomfortable.

sShawna 06:38

That right there was what you said i think it’s what a lot of people you know there’s a couple of things that i a lot of people feel when receiving one of those that you just said is very important what is the reciprocity expected of me right and do i want to engage in that reciprocity i felt the same way you use the chair analogy when i first moved to the south and i have shared this with you before.

There is a gentleman who always would like to pull the door for me, right? That wasn’t something I grew up with is somebody holding the door for you. So I found it weird. Now I found it very lovely. And I like receiving that I like with the gesture of let me grab that for you. You know, and it’s a way of showing how they care about you. Right? And you receiving that is allowing them to care about you.

sSara 07:31

And think about the actions you have to take to receive that properly. You have to slow down your pace. You have to time your entrance through the door. I mean, I don’t, but I’m a fast walker. I make up for it. And when you look at it that way and you see receiving as an act, that gift from Alison Armstrong completely flipped the script for me. Now, let’s go back to the part on

sShawna 07:41

I have one leg.

sSara 07:59

The reciprocity equation and the owing equation. I think once we become aware that somewhere in our upbringing, somebody in our life gave with expectation to us and gave with conditions and strings attached, they screwed this up for us. I personally can’t pinpoint that back in my life. I think it’s more of the way I observed

My parents pattern with any time they received, how much they always felt obliged to return so much back. But I think for most people, the reciprocity, the receiving equation has been screwed up because somewhere in their life, somebody, some adult possibly, usually it’s a parent, gave them things that came with a lot of conditions.

sShawna 08:56

Or a trusted person or someone they loved, right? Now, some certain types of reciprocity, and I’m sure this is very similar in your family, we very learned very early on in my life, you never give a dish back empty. So if somebody gave you a casserole or cookies, you were giving them something back when you were returning their gift. I love that idea of reciprocity. I think it’s really nice. Especially you think about when two females, one will compliment the other, right?

Oh my gosh, I love your hair today. Your skirt is gorgeous. I mean, it just goes back and forth. We’re giving each other all this love and is it really, right? That’s this kind of weird reciprocity where we feel like we just have to keep giving each other compliments.

sSara 09:39

This

One took me a while. Oh man, and it was yucky. I will thank the woman, she’ll remind being mentioned, Marla, who called me out on this. I used to have a hard time being complimented. And we were at an event together and she was like, oh my God, I love your skirt. And I was like, oh, and I was like, thank you, you look great as well. And then later on, she comes back to me, she goes, you can just say thank you. It’s hard. And I think that

sShawna 09:41

Did it.

It’s hard.

sSara 10:08

I first went, why can’t she? I mean, she looks great too. I really meant it. But I think the person who is complimenting you and then you have to top off their compliment, you’re giving them something yucky and they don’t want to receive it. You are giving them, I don’t want to take this gift from you. I’m repackaging it and throwing it back at you because I can’t take this. Right.

Versus I’m now very trained to say thank you. I’d love one other thing I do and I I genuinely love doing if I have a piece of clothing I’m wearing or my shoes. I know I’m shoe person somebody compliments it I’ll actually take a moment and I was like I know I love these like I got on a Thanksgiving sale and you know I’ll tell you I might give you more than you were expecting I may tell you a whole story and tell you my love affair with a pair of shoes, but I’ll really go there. I’m like we’re

I’m going to receive this gift that it’s full color and packaging. I’ve really, I’ve grown it thankfully.

sShawna 11:10

It’s a very hard thing to learn and I’m going to be very honest. I still struggle with accepting compliments. And one of the things I’ve gotten in the habit of saying is, you’re so kind. Thank you. Acknowledging that they did something that was a kindness. They don’t have to acknowledge whatever it is about you. And I do try, this is a natural thing for me. If I see a woman on the street or if I meet someone and I really like something about them, I’ll just be like,

My goodness, you’re looking great today or your hair is fabulous or whatever. And having them just say thank you back to me, that lights me up. You know, they did receive what I was trying to put out there to them. And it wasn’t icky. Like you were saying, I’m not trying to manipulate the situation or what up the situation. I’m simply, hopefully sharing with them what I see this wonderful spark in them and allowing them to enjoy that spark.

sSara 12:09

Right? Right. Absolutely.

sShawna 12:11

That that somebody else had given but you also said to receiving like things about truth and you know other kinds of receiving

sSara 12:18

I mean, I think that what we struggle with with all the types of receiving is sometimes it’s who it’s coming from and what is the thing, right? Like for me, if you’re a person that I have made a conscious effort to separate myself from for fact of something about our relationship was toxic or there’s a reason that I’ve decided that we’re no longer going to be engaged in a friendship or partnership, whatever.

I may not want to receive from you. That’s fair. That’s fair. And I, and that’s the part where you have, and I think that’s perfectly fine to put up that boundary. I don’t want to receive from you. You are a person that strings are attached, conditions come with the gifts you come bearing. And I don’t want to receive that.

sShawna 13:06

That’s what we were just talking on earlier is you perceive that that condition that’s attached right? Let’s just go back to the compliment I stopped at a restaurant last night after work and it was approached by a gentleman who started complimenting me and he me I did not want to receive this from him I was that was not because I could Obviously there were some strings attached that I was not interested in and we pick up on those things, right?

But if we have trouble just receiving in general, right? Then that is one of the things we talk about getting back to the root of why is it we have trouble receiving all things. It’s because like you said, probably when we were very young, somebody put too many constrictions and strings on you receiving anything. So, and Brene Brown actually talks about the fact that joy is one of the most vulnerable

sSara 13:52

Conditions.

sShawna 14:04

Emotions that you can feel right and one of the reasons it’s because we’re waiting for it to go away We’re waiting for what did I what did I do to deserve this joy and what do I owe for we’re having you? It’s receiving the joy that is is the problem for a lot of people And I do think that if you are having trouble just receiving small joys, right? Then you really do need to dig in to figure out

sSara 14:17

That’s receiving the…

sShawna 14:32

What’s the underlying cause of what’s going on here, mostly with therapy, right? And some really dig deeping. If you can simply say, received this joy and I accept this joy and I’m worthy.

sSara 14:49

That’s the biggest part is of receiving to is the worthiness part of it. I mean, I think with the receiving part is the person specifically that’s a That’s that might be an easy one. Which is like this person. I specifically do not want to absolutely see from I don’t want like what that ends up meaning now What about the people we do want to receive from and what if they are giving you? Something that you don’t necessarily

Want to receive, whether it’s a thought, it’s a feeling, or it’s a thing, but you don’t want to shut out the person, right? So I’ll give you an example. You mentioned you have a hard time with people saying, I’m sorry for your loss. I generally cannot stand when people feel in any way sorry for me. Like it is a repelling feeling you could show towards me, right?

I generally, you know this about me, do not share my personal story of growing up and being a refugee unless it’s a group that I can train to not give me that emotion because I do not like that feeling. My mom, when she wants to give sometimes, like she wants to give her acts of love, her acts of service, like helping me with my children or preparing food for us or taking care of something for me.

She very often packages it in, you know, I saw how busy you’ve been at work, so I prepared this meal for you, or you’ve been sick, so I prepared this, took care of this for you, you know, I saw that like, you know, you and the kids are gonna be lonely this weekend with the sham gone, so we’re coming over to spend time with you guys. I can’t receive that, Shawna. It drives me up the wall. It’s,

sShawna 16:37

This is shame sandwich.

sSara 16:41

I don’t know, to me it’s a, I feel sorry for a pity sandwich. It’s a pity sandwich where I can’t chew it, I can’t receive it. What I’ve learned to do, because I want to receive from my mom, I want to give her the gift of receiving from her and make her feel that she is a valuable contributing member in my life and in our family. So I actually, the other day, I called her up and I said, listen, because I had snapped at her over the way she wanted to give.

I said, listen, I love you very much and I love everything you want to do for us so much. But you have to understand that when you come over to spend time with me and the kids and the first words out of your mouth when you come over our house isn’t, surprise, we’re here to have fun with you guys. But it’s like, we thought you guys are lonely so we’re coming over. My brain receives that as you felt sorry for us.

And then I don’t want you in the house. Because I can’t have anybody in my house that feels any sort of pity for me. And so I can’t, I want to receive the time with you and I want to receive the playfulness, grandma time that the kids get with you, but I can’t receive that statement.

sShawna 17:52

So let’s flip that around a little bit. Love this. How did she receive the feedback you gave her?

sSara 17:59

She took it. She received it. She heard it. She’s like, I understand. I understand.

sShawna 18:04

That’s great

Being open to say I’m trying to give you something nice right and you we get we both felt a certain way about the way she was phrasing it and I can absolutely understand it and Saying I want to receive what you’re giving me. I understand that this nice thing is coming my way But the way that you’re packaging in it makes it makes it unappetizing. Yeah, Jimmy and if I had somebody come to me and say

I understand you’re coming from a pure heart when you come in and try to take over my life and solve all my problems.

sSara 18:43

You

sShawna 18:44

Just off the top of my head. But the way you’re doing it may be a little overbearing. Just understanding that the joy that we want to give to somebody, don’t stop wanting to give that joy just because they say the way you’re giving it isn’t appetizing to the way I want to receive. And having those open communications, I think, is really important.

sSara 19:04

Right.

sShawna 19:13

I had somebody write me a very lovely card. She’s actually not a works at this firm, but she’s a colleague, she’s a fellow attorney. And just the way she wrote that card was so wonderful and the way I could receive her reaching out to me. It was so beautiful and I wish I could remember everything that she said.

But it was, know, when I went through this, this is how I felt and you may not feel this way and I hope you feel great, but if you do feel this way, this is how I, and you’re not alone. And that whole you’re not alone made it so much better because it’s not the pity, right? It’s the shared experience. It’s the compassion that goes into it. And I think that what you’re talking about when receiving anything, compliments, help.

sSara 19:46

Yes.

Be right with the compassion.

sShawna 20:03

Access service because it’s really hard for me too, is being with someone, whether it’s your parents, whether it’s children, being with the people around you that respect your boundaries on receiving and want to give to you in a way that is going to become.

sSara 20:22

And I think those are your, that’s how you know those are your people that want to learn about that. They want to learn about how you want to receive. But I think as again, going back to the act of receiving the subtle art of receiving, learning about people, and we’re going to get into people’s love languages in another episode, but learning about people’s love languages too, that they may be giving you something that you don’t want to receive, but it’s part of their love language and how much

Communication can you have back and forth on how they can package that for you in a way that you can receive it. Because my mom’s love language very much is act of service. It’s, but unfortunately it’s packaged in worry, concern, and may I say I feel sorry, right? And helping her repackage her love language is, it makes it more

Appetizing to receive. Thank you, Sharna. Thank you. Thanks for listening to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. If you’d to learn more, go to atlantadivorcelawgroup.com/resources.