Episode 34: Are You The Toxic Person In The Relationship?

s Sara 18:12

empowered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sarah khaki and Shawna woods from Atlanta divorce law group. And this is the happily ever after divorce podcast. Welcome to the happily ever after divorce podcast, I am Sarah khaki with the Atlanta divorce law group. And I’m joined by our very own Managing Partner, Shawna woods. Shawna, I’m really excited about talking about this episode, because it’s a new revelation For me, that’s a new revelation from my own personal life, where this I had this breakthrough and I was like, Whoa, like, you know, those are great, those are great. Those are great moments, even when you’re like having a painful moment. And you’re, you see clear through yourself in the issue. It’s like, whoa, here’s the background. I recently had a very dear person in my life, they distance themselves from me, this instance of for me and from my family, my unit, and I couldn’t, I’ve reached out, I reached out, I reached out over and over again, in many ways tried to just pull this person back and just say, hey, like, let’s, let’s see each other, come over and see the family spend time together many ways, and they just are finding all the reasons, all the excuses to not be around the family anymore. And I couldn’t understand and I very much made it about in my head, I was very much making it about like, this person’s not in a good place, this person is, you know, going through XYZ, this person must be having a lot of this hardship in their life, blah, blah, blah. And then one night Hihham, my sweet, caring but oh, so honest, Husband said, Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe you’re the toxic person to this person? What I am a self aware, self responsible, very personally developed, educated woman who works on herself a lot to, you know, grow and have an abundant mindset and be able to receive feedback and be able to take responsibility for my actions. How could this possibly be? And I sat with that for a long time? How could it be that I am the toxic person in the relationship when I’ve done all this self work? I mean, we’ve
done a podcast on how to identify a toxic relationship, how to identify if you’re in a toxic relationship, how to set boundaries in a toxic relationship, we even did an episode on how to stick through toxic relationships that you may choose to be in. Yet, I may be a toxic person Shauna to certain people? How is this possible?

s Shawna 03:00

I need answers. I’m not gonna go oh, you can’t handle the truth on you. I can’t give it to me. It’s a very interesting topic. Because I do think that at some point in time, it’s not about your worth as a person. It’s not about your growth as a person. It’s about how you show up in their lives
with their experience of you. It’s not how you’re trying to portray yourself. It’s not how you’re trying to be, it is how they are experiencing you. And you’ve come to a place and I know you you realize this too, is your experience of another person may have very little to do with them.

It may have to do with past hurts you’ve had with them. it may have to do with something else that’s going on, but you are seeing them in that light. So understanding that you may be that toxic person in someone’s life, does not devalue you or make you a toxic person.

s Sara 04:13

I think that’s the key. I think that’s the key that gave me the peace of mind and the rest to send out nothing but love, care and peace towards our relationship. And towards hopefully a future and to this person is just being clear that you could be a healthy individual mindset was yet something about the dynamic of your relationship, And we’ve had the power dynamics conversation in this podcast, something about the dynamic of your relationship produces toxicity. . And it could be because you’re triggering something in that person you mentioned hurts from the past. There could be trauma or hurt we’ve had from our childhood, that
something about somebody in our adulthood completely something about them reminds you of that parent who was toxic to you or that relative or that, you know, teacher whatever, a mentor that was a toxic relationship to you. And you are not even you are not even around for that. But something about you could be as easily as the interest you have or the way you carry yourself or the way you dress that just remind picks them back to some past pain, and they can’t undo it.

The other thing is, I was thinking is, um, some people may be at a point in life where they desperately need you to see them in a different light than the light you’re willing to give to see them and you can undo it. For instance, you may have a friend that is working really hard to go through from a state of feeling in a state of being a victim and wanting to feel more empowered, wanting to feel stronger, and you are on that journey, helping them to get there, you’re not keeping them there, you’re not trying to be a rescuer, sort of like the what we talked about with the power of 10 book from David emerald, you’re very much being a friend. But you’re not you haven’t fully seen them in the light they want to be seen yet. And it might be  because they haven’t showed up that way yet. But they can’t accept this relationship until they’re fully comfortable embodying, the new place that they want to be in, the new state of mind that they want to be in. And you’re sort of like, I don’t know yet how to engage with you, you’re in between. And that’s very common. And they may just need to distance themselves from you, because you may still be from that old world to them. And that produces toxicity to them.

s Shawna 07:02

That was a lot. Yeah, it was a lot of really good stuff. And then there’s a couple of points that I really kind of want to circle back on with you. One is seeing yourself in a different light than the people who are seeing around you and needing to take that step back until you can show up as this new individual. And I think that’s really important to know what you need to go through your growth point. But the other thing that you said and you hit on is the losing the my train of thought so I’m sorry, but I think it’s the trigger point of something that you may have done in the past. So you guys had an argument, or you’ve said something, you don’t even know how
that affected that person. And every time they see you, it takes them back to a place they can’t
move out. Right? Right. It’s those triggering effects. And I hate the word triggering, I really do

s Sara 08:02

it’s a bit overused these,

s Shawna 08:03

it’s a lot overused. But it can be for instance, everybody knows, if you walk in and you smell a certain smell, it can take you back to a moment, right? Childhood foods can take you back to your childhood, great memories, right. But you also have those moments when you hear a song, or you see someone and they’re back in a moment that they don’t want to be in there in that person that they don’t want to be. And so it’s not really about you. It’s about what you are representing to them, and how they feel about themselves.

s Sara 08:38

You know, the other version of this I’ve experienced is when you feel somebody is working so hard to validate themselves to you, or prove a point to you. And, you know, my nature is a challenger like yours. And I’m just at the state of mind of challenging beliefs, challenging rules, challenging the status quo, like we talked about. So when somebody’s working really hard to enroll me into something or prove a point to me in something, I may not be able to show up in the way they need me to show up for them. And I could, I could very much see that my relationship to them may turn toxicity in them because there is they are a person that has a deep need to be right. And I’m just not validating that for them. They may go deeper and deeper into this need to be right around me and turn into somebody they don’t want to be and then I’ve produced or, you know, directly or indirectly, I’ve produced toxicity on them.

s Shawna 09:46

And it’s that good friction versus bad fit. Right, right. When you have two people who mesh well and can create some friction that sometimes can can have some arguments but was lead to greater growth. And both of them that’s a beautiful, wonderful friendship. It’s when that friction is not going to produce anything that I think that you may both be toxic in each other’s relationship. Or it’s you who needs to be, you know, stepped out of that. And that’s okay. And I think we have to sit in the fact that it’s okay that we as individuals, in some other person’s life, unfortunately, we’re the bad guy to them. And that does not mean like I said, we are bad
people, right? It does not mean that we don’t deserve great lives. And in fact, there has been some people in my life who have been very, very toxic, and I couldn’t be around them. I actually wish them well, I hope that they have a wonderful life. they just cannot be in mine. Because what it produces in me,

s Sara 10:54

so you know, I’ve always been trained on when somebody’s hurt, and that you love and you care for, and you, you go fight for them, you go fight for them, I’m a fixer. And in the power of 10 podcasts that we talked about identifying toxic relationships, in a dysfunctional dynamic, I can very much turn into the rescuer. Right, I’ve played the part of rescuer, I’ve played the part of perpetrator of points in my life. I’ve even played the part of victim, but I mostly identify with the rescuer, and, you know, worked on myself and studied and gotten into the more empowered version, which is the challenger. But my instincts in a situation like the one I’m
describing is to go rescue is to go fix is to go pound the door down and say, Where are you hiding? What’s going on? Like, what can I do to help? What are you have I have I done anything to hurt you? Let’s talk it through. Let’s talk, let’s talk let’s talk to we’re blue in the face. And it was a huge lesson for me to learn that, if this is a possibility, and I have to create space in my mind, that I could be a toxic person to somebody I love and they need to have space from me.

How can I be unselfish enough enough to provide the love the self esteem and the security to purely give them that space? And in my heart, you know, have peace and love and prayer for them that they will find what they’re looking for, in the absence of me because that’s the ultimate love right is this give and say, I don’t even need to be a part of what you receive here. I don’t even need to be in that picture. I just even if I’m removed, I just I still want you to be happy and have love and peace.

s Shawna 12:50

Very well said. Awesome.

s Sara 12:51

Thank you. Thanks for listening to the happily ever after divorce podcast. If you’d like to learn more, go to Atlantadivorcelawgroup.com forward slash resources