Episode 111: The Rise of Gray Divorce: Why Couples Split After Decades Together

s Sara Khaki 00:05

Empowered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sarah Khaki and Shana Woods from Atlanta Divorce Law Group, and this is the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast.

Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. I’m attorney Sarah Khaki with Atlanta Divorce Law Group, and I’m joined by our managing partner, Shawna Woods. Today, we’re going to dive into gray divorces.

All right, Shawna, when we talk about gray divorces, we’re talking about people getting divorced at a certain age group. Given that it’s a gray divorce, what age group are we looking at?

sShawna Woods 00:42

Probably 60-plus. One of the indicators of a gray divorce is a long-term marriage, because we’re talking about situations that come with special considerations in a divorce. The parties are older, and they have a lot more to separate.

s Sara Khaki 01:02

You know, for me, when I meet with clients who are considering divorcing somebody they’ve been married to for 20-plus years—sometimes even 37 years or 40 years—it’s really heartbreaking. It’s heartbreaking for two reasons.

First, there was this plan to grow old together, and now it’s sort of like the sunset of your life—that thing you worked for your entire life—is not going to happen. You are growing old together, but you’re not continuing to grow old together. I find that part heartbreaking.

The other part I find heartbreaking is when this has been brewing for a long time. When you talk to one side and they say, “We’ve been miserable for 20-something years. We were waiting for this milestone.” Usually it’s related to children, right? Waiting for the oldest to graduate college, or waiting because they were supporting grandchildren, or caring for them because the kids were in the military.

There are so many different dynamics that cause couples to stay together, but once those conditions are gone, they no longer want to be together. They look at each other and admit how miserable they’ve been.

So the romantic part of me is sad when two people can’t grow old together after being together for so long. And the human side of me is sad when I see someone who’s been living in misery for that long and wasted so many years.

As an attorney, are there any special considerations you give gray divorces? You mentioned the word “considerations.” What makes these different?

sShawna Woods 02:49

Yeah, absolutely. First of all, I think one reason people end up in gray divorces is that they have very different ideas about what retirement looks like. They’ve been working their whole lives, putting money into retirement, and the wife thinks the beach sounds great, and the husband says, “No, I’m going to the mountains.” They’re not in agreement about how they want to spend the rest of their lives.

I also think that once you hit a certain age, you start thinking about the rest of your life. How much time do I want to dedicate to something that’s not working for me? Time becomes more precious.

A lot of gray divorces involve traditional marriages, where one party—usually the wife—stayed home, took care of the children, and supported the husband’s career.

s Sara Khaki 03:28

Time becomes more precious.

sShawna Woods 03:47

She’s used to the household income, right? And there’s no way at that point that she’s going to be able to earn that kind of income going forward. Meanwhile, the husband is thinking, “I’m retiring now or in three years.”

So a special consideration is that spousal support is usually not long-term. Even if there is spousal support, the bigger asset is often retirement. You really need to get her connected with a financial planner immediately to understand how to make that retirement work, because there won’t be a steady income stream anymore.

Another big consideration is healthcare—Medicare versus Medicaid.

s Sara Khaki 04:54

Medicare. The elderly are usually on Medicare.

sShawna Woods 04:59

Right. And government healthcare isn’t always great. If someone has medical conditions or ongoing needs, access to care can be limited. So sometimes it’s about choosing a position that may not generate much income but allows access to healthcare.

These are considerations you don’t usually have when people are still actively in the workforce.

s Sara Khaki 05:49

And what about the house? One of the biggest issues is equitable division of assets, and the largest marital asset is usually the house. In traditional scenarios, the woman often wants to stay. It’s where she raised the children. It’s where she nested for decades.

sShawna Woods 06:15

She wants to host Christmas. She wants to host Thanksgiving.

s Sara Khaki 06:19

And if she can’t afford to stay?

sShawna Woods 06:21

That’s a really hard conversation. Not just whether you can buy the other person out, but whether you can physically afford to stay there and maintain it. Landscaping, repairs, upkeep—it’s physically demanding.

Most of the time, selling the home is the better option. But after a 30- or 40-year marriage, there’s so much stuff. Sometimes we even have to talk about getting a dumpster and clearing things out.

s Sara Khaki 07:26

These are family heirlooms, memories, things collected together. We’ve had fights over Disney VHS tapes because they don’t make them anymore.

sShawna Woods 07:42

Or Christmas ornaments. Things that are irreplaceable because the value isn’t monetary.

s Sara Khaki 07:52

And the court does not want to deal with it.

sShawna Woods 07:56

They really don’t.

I suggest that if you can get along, go through those things together. Make copies of photos. Treat each other with respect for the family you’ll always share. Sometimes that’s not possible. Some of the pettiest divorces are gray divorces.

s Sara Khaki 08:26

I absolutely agree. Let’s talk about the ones that aren’t kind. Often, women initiate gray divorces, and men are blindsided. “We’re about to retire. We planned Hawaii. I bought the lake house. I don’t understand.”

When we represent women, we often hear it’s been a long time coming.

As women age, hormones change. Some hormones that make us peacekeepers go away. We have less desire to be pleasing to things we no longer want to tolerate.

sShawna Woods 10:28

Less desire, not less ability. We still can—we just don’t want to anymore.

s Sara Khaki 10:52

Exactly.

sShawna Woods 10:54

It can look mean when someone who’s always agreeable finally stands up for themselves.

s Sara Khaki 11:19

I want to stand up for gray-divorce men for a moment. Many spent decades focused on providing—retirement, travel, grandchildren, security. Resentment builds quietly, and when it explodes, it feels like it came out of nowhere.

Men are literal. Women often suppress needs. “I’m fine” becomes a breaking point.

sShawna Woods 13:52

I’ve had men come back a year later and say they were unhappy too—they just didn’t know it. They accepted unhappiness as normal.

s Sara Khaki 14:30

“This is what marriage is.”

sShawna Woods 14:49

People grow apart. One shoves things down; the other ignores them. They stop growing together.

s Sara Khaki 15:52

There’s a lesson here: speak your needs clearly. And check in intentionally—not just checking the box.

sShawna Woods 18:13

Define who you are together. Otherwise, you’re just orbiting each other.

s Sara Khaki 18:45

Thank you, Shawna.

Thanks for listening to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. If you’d like to learn more, go to AtlantaDivorceLawGroup.com/resources.