Episode: 112 The “Work Wife/Work Husband” Dynamic: Harmless or Harmful to Your Marriage?

s Sara Khaki 00:05

Empowered people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sarah Khaki and Shawna Woods from Atlanta Divorce Law Group, and this is the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast.

Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. I’m Sarah Khaki with Atlanta Divorce Law Group, joined by our managing partner, Shawna Woods. About a month ago, there was worldwide news about the astronomer CEO who was caught on camera at a Coldplay concert with his coworker—the person he was having an affair with.

Personally, I don’t think this should have been world news. I don’t think it should have been all over social media, and I don’t think it should have been on news channels around the world. I think there are a lot more important things happening that we should have been paying attention to.

However, as divorce attorneys—and as people who work in the family and divorce space—I do find it interesting that when we talk to clients who are having an affair, or are separating, or going through a divorce because a spouse is having an affair, very often the affair is with a coworker.

So what is going on with this “work wife,” “work husband” situation? Sometimes we say it tongue-in-cheek, right? It’s cute. And I personally—you and I have such an amazing relationship in the office—you’re my work wife, right? We check in on each other. I make sure you know where I’m going; you make sure you know where I’m at. If we have a crazy schedule, we ask, “Are you okay? How’s everything going?”

All of that is sweet, and it creates such a positive work environment because it shows how closely we work together and how much we genuinely care about each other.

But we’re talking beyond that. We’re talking about when people take that relationship too far and start finding what they’re missing at home in the office space. Or is something missing at home because they’re finding it in the office space? Which is it—the chicken or the egg?

s Shawna Woods 02:20

It’s so hard, because we spend so much of our lives at work—especially now that a lot of us are back in the office. You’re there together, and you have a shared purpose and a shared goal.

When I think about people naturally gravitating toward others in their work sphere, I get it. I adore the people I work with. I can’t wait to see you guys every day. I can’t wait to come in and say, “Hey, Sarah, look what outfit I have on,” or “Hey, Christy, I talked to you about this client, and I’m so excited.”

We get excited about what we do, and we love what we do. So I don’t think it’s unusual that if you’re also sexually attracted to that person, it can develop into something more.

Unfortunately, if you allow that to develop and you’re married, it’s going to cause problems—not only in your marriage, but also in your workplace, as it obviously did for that CEO and his work relationships.

s Sara Khaki 03:28

Right. I mean, it ruined the whole company. For the astronomer, it destroyed everything.

We’ve seen this firsthand. We’ve had cases where people who run their own businesses ruin them by having an affair with someone who works there. Not only are they getting divorced, but their partners want out, the shareholders want out, and everything falls apart.

It’s incredibly destructive—and yet so common.

And I keep coming back to this question: is something missing at home because all your needs are being met at work, or are all your needs being met at work because something’s missing at home?

s Shawna Woods 04:13

I go back to the idea of shared purpose. You’ve shared with me that you and Hisham have a shared purpose, and you actively talk about what that is.

I don’t think a lot of families talk about shared purpose. Where is our family going? What are we doing? What are our goals? And when you don’t have that shared purpose with the people at home, you can naturally drift apart.

s Sara Khaki 04:17

Yeah.

s Shawna Woods 04:40

We get energized by shared purpose. We get excited to come in and talk about what we did for the firm or what we’re building together.

s Sara Khaki 04:53

It’s like two partners in the trenches together. There’s a bonding that’s incredibly strong.

s Shawna Woods 04:58

Exactly. So if you’re doing that at home—if you’re going home and saying, “Here’s what I accomplished to further our family goals”—then you’re probably a lot less focused on a work wife or work husband and more focused on your spouse.

Because it’s very easy to get attached to the people you work with.

s Sara Khaki 05:23

Right.

And what I’m hearing as you’re explaining this is obsession—in a good way. When we’re working on the firm together, we’re obsessed. We’re obsessed with the mission. We’re obsessed with where we’re taking things. We’re obsessed with the service we give our clients.

When someone on our team does something amazing, we’re obsessed with sharing that news with each other. It gives us a huge boost of energy.

So the question becomes: do you have something at home—something purposeful—that’s worth being obsessed with?

s Shawna Woods 05:58

And another aspect of this is the bad days, right? The days where something goes wrong and only you understand one tiny, intricate detail about why I’m so upset.

If I’m sharing that with you and not sharing it with my partner at home, I’m bonding with you. They may not understand the intricacies, but they should understand the emotions.

So I do think the spouse at home has to reflect: am I being given access to the emotional side of what’s happening at work?

s Sara Khaki 06:34

Yes—absolutely. And this has to be done consciously.

It’s much easier—and more natural—to share ambitions, obsessions, and goals within a workplace that’s structured entirely around objectives and results. There’s a scoreboard. We’re winning, we’re losing. Good day, bad day.

It’s intellectually stimulating, and you have other people with the exact same goals and obsessions. You’re in the trenches together.

So how do you consciously make sure you’re doing that at home? Because it’s not going to happen naturally. If you’re sharing something at work, you need to share even more of it at home.

If your partner works, great—you can have that open dialogue. And if they don’t work, we often hear, “I don’t want to burden him,” or “I don’t want to burden her.”

But if you don’t share, you will burden them far more later.

s Shawna Woods 07:48

Absolutely.

And just because you’re going in different directions doesn’t mean you didn’t choose those directions together. Maybe one person stayed home or worked part-time to support the household so the other could pursue a demanding career.

You still have to be invested in what they’re doing day to day. Yes, you may be working on a multimillion-dollar deal, and they may be talking about daycare—but that doesn’t make it any less important.

s Sara Khaki 08:17

Absolutely.

I didn’t want social media algorithms feeding me more of the astronomer CEO story, so I didn’t dig too deep—but let’s assume his wife was a stay-at-home mom. I don’t know if that’s true, but I see this dynamic a lot with our clients.

The husband is running a massive company, and he thinks he’s protecting his wife by not burdening her. But what he’s missing is that she starts to feel less worthy, less intelligent, less stimulated.

Every human mind needs something to engage with.

s Shawna Woods 09:36

Absolutely. You married this woman for a reason. You married her because she was intelligent. You married her because she stimulated your mind. Don’t let that go just because your roles have evolved.

s Sara Khaki 09:47

Exactly. She would probably feel honored if he opened up about his challenges—his bad days and why they were bad.

Shielding her from that builds distance. Over time, he turns more toward the office wife, and she turns toward other distractions—often with resentment.

And I agree with you. At the end of the day, it comes down to this: is there a noble, worthy goal you can be obsessed with together?

One of the saddest things I see when I’m out to dinner is couples sitting together on their phones, texting nonstop. And because of what we do, my heart hurts seeing that. That could be a moment for connection.

Put the phones away. Stop texting.

This is where so much of it starts—the social media messages, the late-night texts, the Instagram DMs—because something exciting happened at work.

s Shawna Woods 11:44

Are you willing to share those messages with your spouse? Or are you hiding them?

If you can’t share them, something’s wrong.

It’s okay to be passionate about building something at work—but you have to want to build something just as meaningful at home.

s Sara Khaki 11:57

If you can’t share—

s Shawna Woods 12:13

You have to put in the work.

s Sara Khaki 12:15

Absolutely. It’s a conscious effort.

s Shawna Woods 12:17

It is. Thank you.

s Sara Khaki 12:19

Thank you.

Thanks for listening to the Happily Ever After Divorce Podcast. If you’d like to learn more, go to AtlantaDivorceLawGroup.com/resources.