sSara Khaki (00:05)
Helping people make informed decisions that lead to living a life without regret. This is Sara Khaki and Shana Woods from Atlanta Divorce Law Group, and this is the Happily Ever After Divorce podcast.

Welcome to the Happily Ever After Divorce podcast. I’m Sara Khaki with Atlanta Divorce Law Group, joined by managing partner Shana Woods. Shana, today we’re going to talk about couples who are taking space from each other—or just straight-up avoiding conflict. The topic is: Are you taking space, or are you being avoidant?

Setting this up a little bit—you know, it’s very common when a married couple is going through a difficult time for one person to say to the other, “I need some space. I need some space from you.” We see this a lot in divorce law, where one person just moves out and hasn’t told the other person what their plans are at all. They’re just taking space—or getting their space.

And the other person is left in limbo, trying to figure out: How long is this space going to last? What does taking space even look like? Does this mean you’re moving out for good? Are we going to live separate lives? What happens to the logistics of the day-to-day operation that is this family or this household?

So there’s that concept of taking space. But then there’s also the concept of avoiding conflict, right? When does “I’m taking space” or “I need my space” become, “I’m trying to avoid conflict”? I’m trying to avoid the major issues in this marriage or partnership that need work.

sShana Woods (01:50)
Or avoiding the tough questions—and the tough answers that come out of those tough questions. I think it’s a really interesting and fine line that people have to walk. What gets you to that place where you feel like you have to take space from your marriage? Your marriage is supposed to be the space where you feel the safest.

So if you’re not feeling safe in your marriage space, one—why not? And maybe removing yourself from that space is the catalyst to figuring that out.

sSara Khaki (01:51)
And avoiding the tough questions.

sShana Woods (02:20)
Right. But you’re right—where does it turn into avoidance? If you’re taking space but you’re not discovering why you needed the space. If you’re not doing the hard work to ask, “What is it that I needed to leave behind in order to have a clear head and a clear mind about what’s going on with me?”

Do I have all the answers? No. But I do think this is something that often happens when people are contemplating divorce—taking space.

sSara Khaki (02:55)
Right. And I think sometimes it is a healthy thing to do. It can be the healthy way—kind of like a marriage timeout. Obviously, we don’t call it timeout anymore for children because it shames them, so now it’s the “thinking chair.” So let’s call this the marriage thinking chair.

For me, I’m very clear on what my expectations are if my spouse or partner needs space from me. The same goes for my closest friends or family. My expectation is that you’re taking time away where I’m not constantly trying to connect with you, where you don’t feel pressure to connect with me, and you don’t feel pressure to be pleasing with me.

You can just be real and say, “I’m having a hard time with a series of incidents—or one incident—or the current status of our relationship. I need to reflect on it. And you being in the picture right now is creating more noise, and I’m not able to think clearly.”

So I 100% expect my partner, during that time, to be doing some work. And I’ve seen clients get really hurt when someone says, “I’m taking space,” and then checks into a hotel, leaves town, goes to their old college town to hang out with buddies, goes on a trip with a girlfriend, or goes back to their hometown to see their parents.

And the client says, “I thought they were supposed to be thinking about the marriage—but they went out and had fun, went to nice restaurants, spent money, were away from the kids.” It becomes really hurtful.

sShana Woods (04:31)
Their home.

sSara Khaki (04:49)
And that’s the point where you ask: Is this person avoiding conflict and giving themselves some kind of reward for being hurt? Or are they really using this time to work on the relationship and think about it on their own terms?

sShana Woods (05:05)
And also working on whatever is going on within themselves. No one really knows what you’re doing when you’re visiting your parents or college friends or working through your issues. So there does need to be some grace—maybe they needed that time with friends.

But how long does it go on? And where do you check in? I like the idea that if you’re going to take space, tell me when that ends.

sSara Khaki (05:41)
Right. I need to know.

sShana Woods (05:44)
Let’s put boundaries, timelines, and check-ins in place so you’re not avoiding the person entirely. Are you doing this for your improvement—or your detriment?

sSara Khaki (06:08)
And that awareness—why are my needs going unmet? Why does this feel so heavy? Why can’t I get past this?—that work takes time.

For me personally, when I need space is when my husband has apologized, has done everything I thought I needed to move forward, and I still can’t get over it. That’s when I realize there’s a need in me that isn’t speaking up—even to myself. I don’t understand myself yet.

And that requires space. If he’s coming at me apologizing and expecting us to go back to normal, and I can’t even tell him what would make it right, then my most basic need at that point is time alone.

And that time alone might look like fun things—watching a movie, eating popcorn, reading a fiction book, taking a ridiculously long walk, listening to my favorite music. These might look like time-wasters, but they help me think from a lighter place instead of a dark one.

Here’s where taking time away can turn unhealthy. In a lot of marriages, time away turns into festering—building the case against your partner.

sShana Woods (07:23)
Going to trial.

sSara Khaki (07:34)
Exactly. Exhibit A, Exhibit B. Ten years ago—let’s open that file. The statute of limitations is running out! This is my moment!

That’s another form of taking space. And not everyone can take space in a healthy way. For some people, it turns into anger and storytelling instead of understanding their unmet needs.

sShana Woods (09:17)
Instead of asking, “Why am I angry?” they look outside themselves. When you spend too much time alone, you create stories in your head. Then your partner’s actions start validating those stories.

You’re checking boxes but never saying, “This is what happens when you do X.” That’s another form of avoidance.

sSara Khaki (10:09)
That Kool-Aid is too yummy.

sShana Woods (10:11)
It really is. And if you do that in a marriage, you’re isolating yourself in a place that’s supposed to be connected.

sSara Khaki (10:26)
You also need to know your spouse. Some people need two days of space and come running back. Others need an intervention—because too much space becomes dysfunctional.

Sometimes you have to say, “You’ve had enough. This isn’t serving you anymore.”

sShana Woods (11:01)
You’ve had enough.

sSara Khaki (11:23)
Some people need an invitation back. Others—like me—I’m good after my cup is filled. And then there are people who truly need to be pulled out.

sShana Woods (11:48)
That’s me. Someone has to say, “Where have you been?” And I welcome that.

sSara Khaki (12:11)
Let’s shift to the legal side. We see this all the time: Wife asks husband to move out for space. He complies out of respect. At what point would you advise him to move back in?

sShana Woods (12:53)
I’m not sure I’d advise him to move out at all. If possible, separate spaces within the home are better. Once you leave the home, it’s hard to get back in legally. The person remaining often believes the house is now theirs, and that can escalate into police calls or even false domestic violence claims.

Taking space by moving out is drastic, and I wouldn’t recommend it if someone is seeking legal advice about a potential divorce.

sSara Khaki (14:08)
Thank you.

Thanks for listening to the Happily Ever After Divorce podcast. To learn more, visit AtlantaDivorceLawGroup.com/resources.